I’ve learnt that the best and worst thing anyone could have is a dream. On one hand, it gives you a purpose, direction for your life. At every point, you know where you’re headed. On the other hand, it leaves you dissatisfied if you don’t achieve those dreams or if they’re a little slow in coming.
I recently watched ‘It’s a wonderful life’ which I must say is one of the best black and white movie I’ve ever come across. It’s about a man, George Bailey whose dream was to travel, to see the world. It’s all he ever wanted to do but again and again, because of fate, family or just plain rotten luck, he kept missing his chance. First, his father died and he had to take over the family business, a failing building and loan bank while his brother went to college. Then while waiting patiently for his brother to return and take over the business, he bought his train ticket and packed his bags. But his brother came home with a wife whose father had offered him a job at his factory.
He was stuck again.
Then a war broke out and all his friends enlisted in the army but he was deaf in one ear so couldn’t and so he read about his friends and his brother going to different places to fight for their country but he… he felt so useless at home doing nothing.
Then he got married. And he and his wife were on their way to their honeymoon in France when the building and loan bank finally crashed. Or almost. Long story short, they gave out all their honeymoon money to maintain the bank. Forever, a sitting duck. Never once ever even stepping foot outside his small hometown.
Now all these bits weren’t the point of the story and to be honest, he lived a good life but I can’t help but understand what he must have felt when his dream was ripped away that last time. To want something so bad and know that it’s never going to happen… the worst feeling in the world.
I realized that these days, that’s the way I feel.See what my writing life has become. It's not pretty.Click To Tweet
The past month has been one of the busiest of my life. Hopping from place to place, perpetually checking off some to-do list for school, work, church, friends and family. The only thing that made it worse was carrying a crushing feeling of dissatisfaction and defeat.
I love to write. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. I want to write a book. My book. I want it so badly that when I close my eyes, I can see the cover. I can smell that amazing scent all book-lovers crave. I can see the pages filled with words. My words, describing my world, my characters. And I can see the characters dance around in the back of some future reader’s mind, becoming a favored friend. Right now, those characters just guilt me every day I can’t find the time to write.
It’s an almost physical hurt. No, it is a physical hurt.
And then it occurs to me that life isn’t bound to get any easier. I’m a med student for heaven’s sake. I’m going to be a doctor. And the more time I take away from my writing, the harder it is to get back to it and the more defeated I feel.
What was I thinking? How did I think I could do this? What if I’m only delaying the inevitable. I feel like I’m fighting a battle I’ve already lost.
And I know I should just go sit down at my desk anyways and belt out whatever horrendous rubbish I can. And I will. Tomorrow. For tonight, I just need a recess. I’m too tired of trying. I don’t think I can face a blank page right now. I feel emotional enough.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I’ll put on my big girl pants and carry on fighting. But today, I can’t help but ask:
Does the world really need another writer?
So it’s obvious that I was not quite myself when I originally wrote this. It was never meant for the blog. It was just one of those endless things I write down when my thoughts get too loud (so basically all the time).
The purpose of putting this here is to let every other aspiring writer out there know that dark moments will come.
You WILL doubt yourself.
You WILL consider quitting.
But you WILL also get through it.
You are not alone.
Right now, I’m feeling far better. Life hasn’t let up much but I’m basically just trying to take life as it comes.
So did you enjoy the post? As you can probably tell, I’m still working on my balancing act. Any tips? Let me know what you think?
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Alright, it’s the end of the post which means: